Dear Reader
I am writing to you from Berlin, where I've enjoyed (and also melted a bit) the final week of hot summer, but now as I write, rain forms the background to my thoughts.
I am in Berlin not for any particular reason, but being here always feels right. It's a very accepting and open-minded city. For the past few years, when I've visited I held a talk or workshop, and this time is no different. I've partnered again with Sarah from @monogamish_me to offer a 3 hour workshop next Wednesday evening (17th Sep). Keep reading for the information and link if you are in Berlin.
We will also offer an online version of this workshop the following week so you can join from anywhere.
An important feature of this workshop will be how we address inherent privileges in our relationships, and the impact privilege has on our ability to develop, communicate and uphold personal boundaries. I don't think this is being talked about enough in polyamorous and multigamous circles.
In my case, I have been on both sides of experiencing privilege as leverage. Early on in my polyamory journey I had a partner with more experience who was emotionally much more expressive and forceful. I went along with her rules, that became agreements for us. I did it because I wanted to defer to her experience and to go against my perception of my masculinity as being overly dominating. My understanding of the male privilege led to me downplaying my needs and wants in that dynamic. As a result, I thought I did not need to have boundaries. I was very mistaken.
I will talk about my full experiences with boundaries and what I've learned, at the upcoming workshops.
Boundaries, Agreements, and Consent in Non-Monogamous Relationships
17 September, 6:45 pm - Berlin, Germany
An interactive, consent-focused workshop that offers learning and practice with Roy and Sarah (@monogamish_me).
Having clear and definable boundaries is critical to healthy relationships. To get there, we need to be honest with ourselves about what our values, needs and wants are.
Healthy boundaries act as both:
- A protection of your needs and
- An invitation for your partner to build greater intimacy with you.
In non-monogamous relationships, there is a greater call for autonomy and agency of each partner. At the same time, our society promotes a relationship ethos that glorifies codependency, unhealthy attachment and a model of ownership over our partner. This is evident in socially accepted ideas such as ‘sharing my partner’, ‘I belong to you’, ‘you complete me’, ‘you owe me’ etc. Boundaries are intimately interlinked with consent.
Together we will explore how the existing social power structures carry a major impact on our mental health, mindsets and ability to create, uphold and communicate healthy boundaries for ourselves in important relationships. By understanding and unpacking power dynamics, privileges and hierarchies we can address and confront the imbalances and change our mindset to one that is collaborative, empathetic and abundant.
We will also offer an online version of the workshop (without the somatic practices) on the 25th of September.
Here's the list of my upcoming events, if you happen to be near enough to attend, or online:
- London Polyamory Social (2 October)
- Conscious play fighting workshop - London (5 October)
- Online Open Relating Peer Support (6 October)
- Introduction to play spaces, boundaries and consent - London (18 October)
- Conscious play fighting workshop - Brighton (2 November)
The next online peer support: 6 October
The monthly group session continues for small-group deep dives, mutual support and amazing insights. There are still a few spots left for this Sunday.
Need support urgently?
If we have not spoken before, a short initial consultation for 20 minutes can be booked even for same day.
Quick links to website resources that you may find helpful:
Do you have a question that others might also find helpful to have answered?
Submit it online or email me and I will answer it in full in the next newsletter.
Sending lots of love,
Roy
